I’ve lost a breast, not my sexuality!

With all of the scars, dents, weight gain, and hot flashes, is it possible for a breast cancer survivor to ever feel sexy again? Four breast cancer survivors are here to tell you: Oh, baby yes she can!

Take Paula Holland De Long. At age 37, she lost her left breast to cancer. She also lost her marriage.

“After I recovered from the surgery and from chemo, I was not the same person I used to be,” she says. “I was no longer driven by work and by money. My husband would look at me and ask, ‘Who are you and what have you done with Paula?’ One day I sat down to tell him that I wanted to quit my job. Instead I said that I didn’t think we should be together anymore.”

The divorce was amicable. Then Paula found herself dating again.

“At first I was really hesitant. I didn’t even want to tell people I’d had breast cancer until they got to know me better. Eventually, I learned to just say, ‘Hey, I’ve had breast cancer and if you have problems with scars, you probably will not want to go out with me.’”

Eventually Paula met Charles. When she told him her pat line about the scars, he took her hand, put it next to his heart, and said, “I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. You are beautiful to me.” They eventually married.

Like Paula, Stefanie LaRue worried what men would think of her disfigured right breast. After dating a few men, she eventually found herself in the shower with one. She’d never shown her breast to anyone in daylight before.

She said, “I don’t really have a breast on this side.”

He looked down and said, “Look at me. I only have one testicle! We’re a perfect pair.” It had been removed when he was 3 because it had never descended.

“I was so relieved,” LaRue says. “And now that I’ve gotten past that, I’m so much more confident.”

Veronica Gliatti had a similar experience. Before her treatment, she equated her sexuality with how she looked. After treatment, when chemo thrust her into early menopause and caused her to gain weight, she at first felt less attractive, despite the fact that her husband continually told her that she still was.

Eventually, however, she realized that, if the situation were reversed, she would not think of her husband as less attractive or desirable. She learned to feel sexy based on how she felt about herself and her partner.

“I feel more confident about myself than I did before because I’ve overcome a great battle,” she says. “I also feel more at ease with my husband than I did before because we’ve walked this journey together. I want to share all of myself with him. I do not want to take what time I have left for granted. There may be no tomorrow to express myself sexually. Why not express it today?”

Use this advice—from the breast cancer survivors who have been there and so done that—to get your groove back after treatment:

  • Take your time. It’s normal and natural to be embarrassed and to worry about what others will think. Tread slowly.
  • Don’t underestimate the power of acceptance. Most people are more accepting and more forgiving than most of us expect. “Don’t assume just because he is a male that he cannot understand,” says Gliatti.
  • Be sexy and feel sexy, says Gail Baker, survivor and author of Cancer is a Bitch. “My breasts had always been one of my best assets. The first time I saw my breasts after surgery, I burst into tears. It wasn’t until a few months later, when I ran a half marathon in New York with two girlfriends that I came to a place of acceptance. I told them that the scars made me feel less sexy. They begged me to show them. I inched my top down and one said, ‘scars are hot!’ It made me feel so much better. Flaws are hot. I can say that with great confidence now!”
  • Try something new, in any area of your life. “Confidence is the sexiest quality someone can display. It’s a magnet that attracts others to you, but you have to feel it so the other person will feel it, too,” says LaRue.
  • Have sex. Make yourself. Just do it. Remind yourself that you are still beautiful and still a woman. “Nobody can take away your vital passionate essence. It’s still there,” says Baker.
  • Evolve. “Do not approach sex the same way you did before. You are a new person now,” says Gliatti. “You are a new and better you.”

Are you struggling with physical and/or emotional intimacy and sexuality issues due to cancer? Breast cancer survivor and life coach Paula Holland De Long’s “Intimacy, Passion & Cancer” guided exploration group course might help you regain your confidence. This six-week telecourse begins on Tuesday January 14th and will meet weekly through February 17, 2009 from 1:00 – 2:30 pm EST. Cost $375. Contact Paula to register at 954-565-6894 or visit www.CoachForLivingOnline.com.

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Get More out of Being in the Bedroom

Beth’s parents started dating when they were in eighth grade, and they’re still together today.

“I had a traditional white-picket-fence and start-having-kids-now type of upbringing,” she says. “I was raised with the solid belief that you find that one person who is the perfect fit. It seemed really boring to me, but I thought maybe they knew something I didn’t know.”

Like most of us Beth tried over and over again to have one long term monogamous relationship.

“I would date them one after another, and the only support I got was when I was miserable,” she says. “Everyone around me could relate to the bad stuff.”

Beth grew up in Virginia and lived by the rules of Southern hospitality. It carried over to her relationships with men. She found herself always putting their needs before hers, getting to know what they liked rather than figuring out what she liked. She was the pleaser in the relationship.

And that made her feel miserable and forgotten.

Because she’d never demanded attention, she not only knew what she like, but she also didn’t have the first clue how to ask for it.

“I was practically mute when it came to the subject of my body or my desires,” she says. “The shop was totally closed for business.”

Like most women, Beth felt almost apologetic for any sexual desire that she had. She said learning to communicate was an incredible challenge because sex is such a charged subject and it usually carries some shame with it.

Unable to figure things out on her own, Beth moved to a retreat called One Taste to study sensuality and to liberate her sexuality. She practices deliberate communication and helps others break through feelings of shame and embarrassment so they can finally know what all the buzz over sex is about.

If you want to get more out of your time in the bedroom, here are some of Beth’s suggestions for finding the right words.

1. Ask for a cup of tea.

In her former life Beth describes sex as, “leaving my body behind and hoping the other person would feel good in the process, so that afterwards, we could possibly feel more in love.”

Beth says that if you’re not that experienced with asking specifically for what you want, start by teaching someone else how you like your tea.”Do you like soy milk in it? Do you like cream in it? How many tea bags do you like? Do you want it on a saucer, or do you want it just in a large mug by itself?”

Start with something that is not threatening. There’s no possible way that your brain can talk you out of thinking the way you like your tea is wrong. Once you’ve mastered receiving your tea graciously and without apology, you can take it from there.

2.     Start using accurate, deliberate and open communication.

She found out quickly that it wasn’t just the moment of climax that makes sex good. It’s the whole process of exploring one another.

“None of us can read minds, so we have to be willing to ask our partner what we’d like or ask them to stop,” she says. “It’s not just like, ‘Okay, we’re partners, but you go do your thing and bliss out and I’ll see you on the other side.'”

Through open communication and non-judgment Beth is finally able to be open about what she wants in the bedroom. It doesnt’ always come naturally or instinctively, and she admits she still gets tongue-tied and intimidated, but she knows that honesty is the best policy — especially when it comes to sex.

“I don’t want to live in what could have been; I want to live in the actual reality of finding out who I am and what I want,” she says. “I can feel now.”

Just as it took Beth time to warm up to talking dirty, it will take you time too. Start with these basics, and remember, practice makes perfect!

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You know that old lady who’s sometimes on Oxygen at 10 or 11 at night showing off new vibrators and answering people’s sex questions in such a matter of fact way that it almost de-sexes the topic? She’s great.