The biggest dating mistake women make

Wendy, author of the ultimate women’s dating guide The Boyfriend Test, readily admits that she sounds like an old mom from the ’50s by proclaiming the biggest dating mistake women make is sleeping with someone too soon.

But, nevertheless, she stands by it. Wendy says that women all too often have sex before there is a worthy amount of trust, and that is usually their tragic relationship flaw.

“I don’t mean trust that you’re going to get married, or that you’ll live together, or that this relationship will last forever,” she said. “But you should have some trust in your biology and in the fact that you have some type of emotional connection with this person.”

Wendy says we often fantasize about who a guy is and then find out the hard way that we’ve created a person who doesn’t match the guy standing in front of us. Rather than idealize him, Wendy says we need to let the guy reveal himself to us.

“There is only one rule about when you should sleep with somebody: when trust happens,” she says. “It takes some time for people’s personalities to unfold and for the connection you make to become trustful, but there’s no timeline for exactly when that will happen.”

Before you jump in the sack, ask yourself:

  • Should you really be sleeping with this man?
  • Are you ready? Why or why not?
  • Is he ready?
  • Have you thought about all the things that go into a sexual relationship?

“Consider what makes you feel safe, healthy and emotionally stable. Make rules for yourself and then stick to those rules,” Wendy advises. “The most damaging thing you can do to yourself as a woman is false advertising. Figure out who you are and be proud of it. I promise you that no matter what your sexual personal rule is, there’s a match out there for you.”

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Should you be having sex?

Warning: women have fallen prey to male myths about sexuality.

“Men believe that there are a few groups of prostitutes, sex workers, and randy women who are servicing most of the baby boomers and gen-Xers, and then there are these other women who are virtuous and saving themselves for them,” said Wendy, whose 10 years in the trenches of dating and follow up research for her book The Boyfriend Test gave her a special insight into male mentality.

Since there’s no way very tired sex workers and loose girls from high school can take care of all those men, the sex double standard only exists in the male mind of fantasy.

“Women have to stop trying to be everything to everyone just because men believe them to be a certain way,” Wendy said. “We have to stop basing our sexual needs on what men think or want and instead decide what we want for ourselves.”

Here’s a quick test from Wendy to see if you should be having sex.

1. Are you experienced enough to have sex?

“Some studies show that those who have sex later in life for the first time have a higher rate of sexual dysfunction, as do those who have sex too early,” said Wendy. “What you’re looking for is peer to peer sex that begins somewhere in the late teens to early 20s that is followed up with consistent sex with a lover.”

You can also gain sexual experience by learning with yourself. Discover what you like and skills that work for you, and then you’ve got some sexual experience to share.

2. Are your sexual boundaries consistent?

“The universe offers a 24-hour radio man to man network, so you better stick to one ad campaign,” Wendy said. “Whoever you are, whether you want to be the bad girl or you want to be the virgin or you want to be something in between, you better own it, believe it, and behave that way. You’ll find a man who is your match.”

3. Do you know how to make sexual requests?

Sex is a really delicate subject, and it’s best not discussed during the sexual act.

“It’s something that should be talked about in the vegetable aisle,” Wendy said. “It’s something that should be talked about in the car when his eyes are fixed on the road. In the kindest, gentlest way, if there’s something that you want, he wants to hear about it.”

4. Do you understand male physiology?

While Wendy was in grad school, she had an assignment where she was supposed to examine a human penis–one attached to a live body — name all 16 parts.

“I didn’t even know there were 16 parts!” she said. “I didn’t even know what they did! But I do now, and I can tell you the frenulum is your friend.

5. Do you practice safer sex?

“There’s no such thing as safe sex, but there is such a thing as safe-er sex,” Wendy said . “If you use precaution, if you use barriers, if you’re very, very cautious about who your partner is, you can make sex a little bit safer.”

6. Do you practice emotionally safe sex?

There’s so much talk about plumbing when it comes to sexuality, but very little is said about the heart.

“Did you know that when women have an orgasm, their body releases oxytocin, which is the female bonding hormone?” Wendy said. “We’re wondering why we have separation anxiety and why he doesn’t call back after sex. Why doesn’t he feel the same way? He can’t feel that way; he doesn’t have the same hormonal reaction to sex that we do.”

For more of Wendy’s dating wisdom, take a look at her website, with lots more insight on how to find yourself a healthy, thriving, long-term relationship.

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The secret to lasting monogamy

After years in the dating trenches and endless research to earn a Ph.D. in psychology, Wendy has pinpointed the one thing every relationship needs to stand the tests of time.

Patience.

“Look and listen, ladies. If a man wants your eggs, he should expect to have to work for them,” Wendy says. “Trust your intuition, and if someone feels like a whirlwind, they’ll probably blow through as quickly as they came in.”

1. Patience is a virtue.

“Our personality and our unconscious processes sneak through in all kinds of little behaviors. If you’ve got your relationship radar on, you can tell whether someone will be a good partner by simply looking for patience,” Wendy says. “Patience comes into play at the very beginning of a relationship, and it’s the very thing that will keep it going until the very end.”

2. Delay gratification.

“The most important thing for healthy, happy, long-term monogamy,” Wendy declares, “is the ability to delay gratification.”

Being able to delay gratification is important because in any long-term relationship there will be times – many, many times – when you won’t get what you want when you want it.

For instance, say you’re nine months pregnant with his child and he’s got to wait for some nookie. Maybe you’re busy working and you’re late for dinner and he’s got to wait for dinner.

“These situations will come up, and he’s either got to figure out a way to get his needs taken care of within the safe boundaries of the relationship or know how to delay gratification,” Wendy says.

3. Watch for signs from the get-go.

“You can look for signs of right-nowness the very first time you meet a guy,” Wendy says.

Pay attention to his manners. Is he impulsive? How does he act on the first date? Does he open doors? Does he let you go first? First impressions aren’t everything, but they do mean something, she cautions.

Now take Wendy’s advice and get out there and start dating! You’ll never meet anyone sitting in that bath tub full of bubbles and rose petals (though it does feel quite nice). Take these tips and get going on finding the relationship of your dreams.

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A Good Dose of Wendy
Visit Dr. Wendy’s official web site for more insight on how to find yourself in a healthy, thriving, long-term relationship.

Interplanetary Conflict
Source of advice and counsel from the author of the iconic “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.”

Making it Work
Follow the path to healthier relationships in your life.

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Nothing’s better than a weekend getaway with your mate… to the Smart Marriages Annual Conference.