The biggest dating mistake women make

Wendy, author of the ultimate women’s dating guide The Boyfriend Test, readily admits that she sounds like an old mom from the ’50s by proclaiming the biggest dating mistake women make is sleeping with someone too soon.

But, nevertheless, she stands by it. Wendy says that women all too often have sex before there is a worthy amount of trust, and that is usually their tragic relationship flaw.

“I don’t mean trust that you’re going to get married, or that you’ll live together, or that this relationship will last forever,” she said. “But you should have some trust in your biology and in the fact that you have some type of emotional connection with this person.”

Wendy says we often fantasize about who a guy is and then find out the hard way that we’ve created a person who doesn’t match the guy standing in front of us. Rather than idealize him, Wendy says we need to let the guy reveal himself to us.

“There is only one rule about when you should sleep with somebody: when trust happens,” she says. “It takes some time for people’s personalities to unfold and for the connection you make to become trustful, but there’s no timeline for exactly when that will happen.”

Before you jump in the sack, ask yourself:

  • Should you really be sleeping with this man?
  • Are you ready? Why or why not?
  • Is he ready?
  • Have you thought about all the things that go into a sexual relationship?

“Consider what makes you feel safe, healthy and emotionally stable. Make rules for yourself and then stick to those rules,” Wendy advises. “The most damaging thing you can do to yourself as a woman is false advertising. Figure out who you are and be proud of it. I promise you that no matter what your sexual personal rule is, there’s a match out there for you.”

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How to get the man of your dreams

Alissa is a beautiful and successful massage therapist–complete with her own podcast! This woman has done a stunning job at composing her life. However, when it came to finding Mr. Right, Alissa needed a bit of assistance.

After a string of heart wrenching breakups, Alissa opened herself up to the idea that she might need some professional help. She signed up for a course called “Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women,” which centered on the ideas of understanding men, knowing what you want and knowing what it takes to create a great partnership.

So what did she learn?

Check out these four tips for preparing yourself for a healthy relationship.

1. Get yourself together.

Remember those airline instructions from that last flight you took? You can’t do anything for anybody else until you’ve put on your own air mask. Be the grownup in your life, help yourself get it together first, then you’ll be better equipped when a the right person comes along.

2. Be honest about what you want.

One really great way to make knowing what you want into getting what you want is to say it out loud. Even write it all down and tell other people, keeping our wants and needs to ourselves doesn’t get us anywhere.

We have to have enough self-confidence and self-love to walk away from the things that we don’t want and be brave and bold enough to ask for what we do want without reservation. Practice authenticity, practice truth and practice getting what you want by saying it out loud every day.

3. Learn to speak their language.

Men speak in layers and in time they will reveal more of themselves to you if you give them the space and silence to uncover those layers. When you ask questions, wait, sit quietly and listen. Alissa found that it’s in that quiet that a man reveals the depth of who he is. He’ll give you the superficial, then a little deeper and then the juicy stuff. It takes practice but in the end it works.

When it’s your turn, keep it focused and figure out exactly what you want insight on. When a man is listening to a woman, he’s taking it all in. He’s going to wait until you’re finished before he gives you an answer.

4. Don’t turn yourself into a pretzel.

Alissa discovered that her relationships were failing because she was constantly contorting herself. She would find men who were the basic molds of what she wanted but then instead of remaining solid in the woman that she is, she would begin to meld into what she thought they wanted of her. Alissa wasn’t able change her ways until she realized that twisting herself into something she wasn’t would never allow someone get to know the real her.

After taking time to learn more about communication, Alissa is in a more confident, clearly open space. “I’m going to try to understand who the man sitting across from me is. If this man is a square, I am not going to try so hard to fit him into a triangle of what I want. I can take my triangle and move on, and that’s okay. It’s a whole new world for me now, it’s a whole new way of dating and relating with men. And it’s a lot more fun.”

Click here to tune in to Alissa’s weekly podcast for insight on understanding your man and more importantly, yourself.

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You know that old lady who’s sometimes on Oxygen at 10 or 11 at night showing off new vibrators and answering people’s sex questions in such a matter of fact way that it almost de-sexes the topic. She’s great.

Should you be having sex?

Warning: women have fallen prey to male myths about sexuality.

“Men believe that there are a few groups of prostitutes, sex workers, and randy women who are servicing most of the baby boomers and gen-Xers, and then there are these other women who are virtuous and saving themselves for them,” said Wendy, whose 10 years in the trenches of dating and follow up research for her book The Boyfriend Test gave her a special insight into male mentality.

Since there’s no way very tired sex workers and loose girls from high school can take care of all those men, the sex double standard only exists in the male mind of fantasy.

“Women have to stop trying to be everything to everyone just because men believe them to be a certain way,” Wendy said. “We have to stop basing our sexual needs on what men think or want and instead decide what we want for ourselves.”

Here’s a quick test from Wendy to see if you should be having sex.

1. Are you experienced enough to have sex?

“Some studies show that those who have sex later in life for the first time have a higher rate of sexual dysfunction, as do those who have sex too early,” said Wendy. “What you’re looking for is peer to peer sex that begins somewhere in the late teens to early 20s that is followed up with consistent sex with a lover.”

You can also gain sexual experience by learning with yourself. Discover what you like and skills that work for you, and then you’ve got some sexual experience to share.

2. Are your sexual boundaries consistent?

“The universe offers a 24-hour radio man to man network, so you better stick to one ad campaign,” Wendy said. “Whoever you are, whether you want to be the bad girl or you want to be the virgin or you want to be something in between, you better own it, believe it, and behave that way. You’ll find a man who is your match.”

3. Do you know how to make sexual requests?

Sex is a really delicate subject, and it’s best not discussed during the sexual act.

“It’s something that should be talked about in the vegetable aisle,” Wendy said. “It’s something that should be talked about in the car when his eyes are fixed on the road. In the kindest, gentlest way, if there’s something that you want, he wants to hear about it.”

4. Do you understand male physiology?

While Wendy was in grad school, she had an assignment where she was supposed to examine a human penis–one attached to a live body — name all 16 parts.

“I didn’t even know there were 16 parts!” she said. “I didn’t even know what they did! But I do now, and I can tell you the frenulum is your friend.

5. Do you practice safer sex?

“There’s no such thing as safe sex, but there is such a thing as safe-er sex,” Wendy said . “If you use precaution, if you use barriers, if you’re very, very cautious about who your partner is, you can make sex a little bit safer.”

6. Do you practice emotionally safe sex?

There’s so much talk about plumbing when it comes to sexuality, but very little is said about the heart.

“Did you know that when women have an orgasm, their body releases oxytocin, which is the female bonding hormone?” Wendy said. “We’re wondering why we have separation anxiety and why he doesn’t call back after sex. Why doesn’t he feel the same way? He can’t feel that way; he doesn’t have the same hormonal reaction to sex that we do.”

For more of Wendy’s dating wisdom, take a look at her website, with lots more insight on how to find yourself a healthy, thriving, long-term relationship.

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Winning the relationship blame game

Francesca knew that something in her love life was off.

She began to see a patter in her dating. “I’d meet this really wonderful person, sexy and interesting. I’d say to myself, he’s going to be the one. He’s going to make me feel great for a really long time.”

But after a few months, Francesca would notice a change in the man she was dating. He’d stop courting her the way he used to; he wouldn’t bring her flowers; he wasn’t kissing me the way he used to.

Quite frankly her relationships were a tragic mess.

Francesca always thought that it must have been the guy that was the problem and that her relationships would be easy if only she could find the right one. To her, the men she dated were always the wrong one. So she would leave. After a while, Francesca realized that it wasn’t just bad luck that was ruining her relationships.

“I realized that there was a common denominator in all my relationships, and that was me.”

At first Francesca made up excuses for herself, she thought “Maybe it’s that they are younger than I am, or they are prettier than I am.” And as easy it easy for all of us to make up excuses, it usually isn’t the case.

After she went through a total self-evaluation, one thing that she learned about herself was that she was constantly criticizing her men and making sure that they knew that they were the ones who were in the wrong during arguments. She learned that there are two totally different ways of going about approaching your partner with an issue you may have.

Now Francesca puts a more positive spin on asking for the things she wants. Once the positive reinforcement started kicking in, Francesca’s relationships began to get a lot easier and a lot more fun.

“Everybody wants to be valued, but it has to start somewhere. I decided that it would start with me.”

Need an explanation for why you are turning into your mother or why you just can’t understand why your son won’t change the toilet paper roll? Explore The Female Brain by Dr. Louann Brizendine for answers hidden in your cells.

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How Marcie Got Her Groove Back

81-2_marciec_166x115Marcie was sexually abused and treated as if she was good for nothing but sex at the age of 7–she didn’t even know what sex was. The three men responsible: her uncle, cousin by marriage, and her father’s best friend. It was clearly an abuse of power and it happened until she was 9 years old.

“I was in therapy for a short amount of time for the abuse, so I knew that children who are sexually abused go one of two ways: they have this intense fantasy life as far as sex goes and they’re afraid to bring it out into the world because then they’ll be a dirty little whore, or they act out on those fantasies and are very promiscuous.”

Naturally scared of becoming a “whore,” Marcie didn’t lose her virginity until she was almost 20 and then married the man she lost it to. But her marriage was miserable. She had to get out.

“I was a frigid wife, so our sexual relationship was not the best. I decided to leave him because I hadn’t experienced anything in my life, and I watched all my friends living it up while I was living in the suburbs with a young daughter and a husband that I was not attracted to.”

It was a huge turning point in her life, Marcie needed to do things her way. Perhaps they are slightly unconventional, but in order to get her sexual groove back, it was perfect.

From being afraid of who she was, playing the ‘mysterious’ card to keep from telling anyone about herself, to an honest, happy, and powerful women, it is clear that Marcie’s truly took back the power that was taken from her so long ago!

If you are a victim of domestic abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for crisis intervention, safety information and referrals 24 hours a day—no matter where you are.

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Get More out of Being in the Bedroom

Beth’s parents started dating when they were in eighth grade, and they’re still together today.

“I had a traditional white-picket-fence and start-having-kids-now type of upbringing,” she says. “I was raised with the solid belief that you find that one person who is the perfect fit. It seemed really boring to me, but I thought maybe they knew something I didn’t know.”

Like most of us Beth tried over and over again to have one long term monogamous relationship.

“I would date them one after another, and the only support I got was when I was miserable,” she says. “Everyone around me could relate to the bad stuff.”

Beth grew up in Virginia and lived by the rules of Southern hospitality. It carried over to her relationships with men. She found herself always putting their needs before hers, getting to know what they liked rather than figuring out what she liked. She was the pleaser in the relationship.

And that made her feel miserable and forgotten.

Because she’d never demanded attention, she not only knew what she like, but she also didn’t have the first clue how to ask for it.

“I was practically mute when it came to the subject of my body or my desires,” she says. “The shop was totally closed for business.”

Like most women, Beth felt almost apologetic for any sexual desire that she had. She said learning to communicate was an incredible challenge because sex is such a charged subject and it usually carries some shame with it.

Unable to figure things out on her own, Beth moved to a retreat called One Taste to study sensuality and to liberate her sexuality. She practices deliberate communication and helps others break through feelings of shame and embarrassment so they can finally know what all the buzz over sex is about.

If you want to get more out of your time in the bedroom, here are some of Beth’s suggestions for finding the right words.

1. Ask for a cup of tea.

In her former life Beth describes sex as, “leaving my body behind and hoping the other person would feel good in the process, so that afterwards, we could possibly feel more in love.”

Beth says that if you’re not that experienced with asking specifically for what you want, start by teaching someone else how you like your tea.”Do you like soy milk in it? Do you like cream in it? How many tea bags do you like? Do you want it on a saucer, or do you want it just in a large mug by itself?”

Start with something that is not threatening. There’s no possible way that your brain can talk you out of thinking the way you like your tea is wrong. Once you’ve mastered receiving your tea graciously and without apology, you can take it from there.

2.     Start using accurate, deliberate and open communication.

She found out quickly that it wasn’t just the moment of climax that makes sex good. It’s the whole process of exploring one another.

“None of us can read minds, so we have to be willing to ask our partner what we’d like or ask them to stop,” she says. “It’s not just like, ‘Okay, we’re partners, but you go do your thing and bliss out and I’ll see you on the other side.'”

Through open communication and non-judgment Beth is finally able to be open about what she wants in the bedroom. It doesnt’ always come naturally or instinctively, and she admits she still gets tongue-tied and intimidated, but she knows that honesty is the best policy — especially when it comes to sex.

“I don’t want to live in what could have been; I want to live in the actual reality of finding out who I am and what I want,” she says. “I can feel now.”

Just as it took Beth time to warm up to talking dirty, it will take you time too. Start with these basics, and remember, practice makes perfect!

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